Old Lady's playing dress-up.

Please click this. Take a look around on there. Now tell me, "What the fuck?!" This is officially the weirdest damn thing I've seen. They didn't even award them like, Ms. Vermont. They're all Ms. Respective Nursing Home/Nazi death camp. Sure, it's nice that they get a good feeling before realizing that the beauty in the pictures is standing on their oxygen hose, but I'd rather be pumped so full of narcotics, I spend my last days watching re-runs of Air Wolf. But that's just me.


Here's a fantastic prank to pull on someone close to you. I'd recommend doing it during the cold (read: icy) season. God bless Labatt Blue, you cheap shit, you.

This was something unexpected. As I watched it, I became more and more aroused. I believe there is many underlying messages in Sesame St., and these guys just happen to pick up on that shit. I'm not going to rant on the played out homosexuality on that show, because it's been done before. But it's gay. Really, really, really gay.

Seeing the preview for the new Exorcist movie made me remember when I met Linda Blair a couple of years ago at an Indian Casino (feather, not the dot). She was fugly as uck, but pretty normal beyond that. I kept asking her to say my favorite quote from the movie, "Your mother sucks cocks in hell!!" (awesome website *snicker*) But alas, she would not. So I did. Repeatedly. Enough for everyone in the casino to have their fill. Some people are so fucking touchy.

So I got the keys to my new digs in Cali. It's quaint, which is city-speak for small. There's a impossible-to-remove red stain in the living room. Seeing how so many old people live there, me thinks that Gerda tried to walk out onto the patio, was attacked by a colony of lethargic ants, and in her "hurry" to run away, tripped on Pookie, her prized Labradoodle, and her head met the tile landing with a dull thud. Either that, or somebody spilled Kool-Aid. I'm a bit of a dramatic.

But there's a pool there, which is great. I love swimming in other people's urine. Especially old people urine, which is strong enough to strip paint off car doors. I know from experience. The bullshit deal with the pool is that it's fucking closed by Sept. 15. Pussy ass californians think they can't swim well into the winter months. Trust me people, it's warm enough. Maybe they just don't like swimming in urine. Soft.

I also had to get a physical done for the new job. Now I've had physicals before, but this was a fuck-a-roo. I had an appointment for 12 noon, which means 'have a seat and we'll be with you when everyone else who didn't have an appointment is done'. I hate that. Oh, this shit was tight. Here was my vision test, which I wanted to pass without my glasses so I wouldn't be forced to wear them all the time:

"Please read line 7"
"ZPXEFDO"
"Please cover your right eye and read line 7."
"ZPXEFDO"
"Good, now cover your left eye and read line 7."
"Uh, ZPXEFDO"
"Very good. All done"

Seriously, like I couldn't possibly memorize the fucking order? Wow, the cali system is fucking iron-clad, for sure. I shoulda missed one to throw them off. But I'm pretty sure I could have whipped out some binoculars and read the copyright at the bottom of the page, and they wouldn't have known.

Then comes the part all men love. The berry-fondling. I was hoping for a young, supple nurse with nice ass and a big dick. I mean tits, big huge tits, yeah. I'm gonna go watch football now. Anyways, my 250 lb 3rd grade teacher doppelganger walks in, fulfilling yet another fantasy. We small talk, exchange glances and shy away. She tests my reflexes, and I nearly kick her leg. Instead, it lightly brushes her thigh, and she blushes. She tells me to lay on my back. AWWW shit, here we go. She lifts up my ass-bearing smock.

"I Love Daddy!" She exclaims.

"Oh yeah?" I reply.

"Your boxers, those are cute." Shocked back to reality, I remember I'm wearing GAP boxers embossed with I [heart] daddy. There goes my only chance at fucking a Gunt (gut+cunt). Oh well, she didn't finger my balls anyway. Hernia tests are done by touching and pressing your stomache. Either that, or she smelled the li'l toot I let loose while lying down on my back, and decided to travel no farther.

On an ending note, I think this guy probably would have been better off had he not chosen a career in the public spotlight.