If I could be any "Super Hero"...

Wow, this question can have ITT dorm dwellers going on for days. But the answer is quite simple. No, it's not Superman; for reasons Mallrats clearly explains. Now, of course, it's all a matter of personal preference. Some like the hugely strong or fast dudes, or combinations within.

Really, it's Blade. Get the Wesley Snipes idea out of your mind. Not that he doesn't do the role justice, but c'mon; I'm white. I can't pretend to be Wes in my dreams if I still feel uncomfortable driving through Venice on my way to Manhatten Beach.

Ok, let's get down to the details. However, let's not get shit twisted. I'm not a comic book freak. I don't know every super zero that exists on paper. I'm simply making my suggestion based on the fact that a day-walking vampire is the coolest motherfucker ever to exist.

Checklist:
stupid fast
immortal
fucking daywalker
libido like a child molestor (minus the children)
party with kris kristofferson
bullets fly by you
silver only hurts a little
silly crazy weapons
um, fucking ninja sword?
white teeth
big dick (so i hear)
sweet ass car
and many, many more


Ok, so the only bad thing is having to take some stupid ass serum to keep you from sucking blood from a mortal, big whoop. I'd forgoe the serum, since real blood makes me stronger, and just suck on drunkards, so I could get a buzz going on too.

Another checklist:

Superman: gay, and too strong
Hulk: not a hero, just gay, and too strong
Flash: horrible in bed
Punisher, Batman: only human
Fantastic Four: Flaming Faggots
X-men: wolverine gets a pass, the rest like the ass
Spiderman: Photographers are usually gay
Green Lantern: Black and gay

Dave Mathews Band

Went and saw 'em last night. The sound quality was great. Best sounding show I've ever been to. Not to mention that Dave & Co. played real well. However, I could have just stayed at home and watched their Central Park concert on DVD. But I've been wanting to see them live at least once.


Got plenty drunk & ripped up, and laid out on the lawn for a bit, people watching and enjoying the music. By the time we left, I quickly realized that I was in no condition to drive. Adam and I decided it would be cool to just chill in the parking lot while the masses fought for position out of the lot. We ended up decided to yell out the windows like scalpers that we had backstage passes to go meet Dave. Of course we were out of minds fucked up, so I'm sure we weren't real convincing, but I haven't laughed that hard at all the people driving by asking questions about these tickets we supposedly had.

Finally a fat girl came up and asked what we were yelling about, and inquired about the tickets. We told her she was fat and that Dave was easily frightened in the presence of big game. We laughed harder as she stormed off.

Yup, I have a penis

It's official, I do have a penis. I thought it was important to share this with you all. See, all my life I thought I had a third arm between my legs. It wasn't abnormal for me to use this appendage to pick up dropped change, or small children.

However, when I got my first erection, I noticed that my pants would constrict the raising of my arm/penis, and I would inadvertantly lift one leg with the erection, thus causing me to lose my balance, and lay on my back with one slightly thicker leg up in the air. This was most embarassing, being like a turtle.

I went to the Dr., and the Dr. said, "Boy it'd take a whale just to give you head." (I spit hot fire)

He told me I'd never be normal like this. After a few hundred pictures he and some biker/nurse took of me, recommended I have an operation to make me more of the "norm".

And I do feel much better now. I feel like I fit in. But sometimes it's so damn hard to type on this little keyboard using these new metal shoes nailed on to my hands and feet.













This post is in rememberance of the brave soul who lost his life trying to get his freak on with a damn horse in Washington.