Office Party, White Elephant, and Alcohol

(click picture if you're too old to read small shit)


So I just started at this new company and we had our Office Christmas Party last night. It was at this fancy little bistro called The Rusty Duck in Sacramento. I arrived only to meet the female sales gal fucking blitzed already. But this was a good thing, since she was in the process of purchasing drinks for everyone. I settle down at the bar and let her buy me a jack 'n' coke. I spent the next two hours getting to know the people I really only meet in passing as I pick up my gear to go install. For the most part, it was pretty non eventful. Having one drunk salesperson after another buying me drinks was nice though.

This was also my first experience with a White Elephant gift exchange. If you ever want to feel like total shit and enjoy doing it, try it for the first time. I was told that the monetary amount was to be between $10-15. So, being broke, I root through my DVD collection. I found an un-opened copy of Party Monster. I figure it's wacky, silly, and the right price range. I was told by family and friends that a White Elephant gift exchange entails bringing a silly gift. So my choice in movie would be appropriate.

I had the neighbor gift-wrap the movie, since I'm a loser with no Xmas paper handy. She did a real fancy job, so I thought I was set. However, minutes before my DD (designated driver) showed up, I notice my son come out of his room with a movie in his hand. Upon closer inspection, I notice that it's Party Monster, completely unwrapped. So I'm fucked, the neighbors aren't home, and the paper is in shreds.

I hear a honk in the driveway. I grab the cover off the recent rolling stone, crunch it around the movie, and wrap it up with white elecrtical tape. Looked dope.

Fast forward back to the party. All the gifts are sitting on the table, wrapped all pretty and shit. Real fucking cute. And there's my gift looking like it was done by my son. Which technically, was true. We have our dinner, which was great, followed by a Dom Perignon (sp? if you know how, then fuck off, I'm lazy) toast. Then the gift exchange starts.

The first fucking gift is a fucking Crown Royal gift set with two high-ball glasses. I'm like, "Fuck, this is going to be embarrasing." Gifts that followed included, Baileys Irish Creme, a Bar set, $25 Home Depot cards, dope candle sets, and a Spongebob TVGame. Upon seeing that last item come out I gank it from the fool that opened it. See, shit that other people open can be stolen twice by other participants, and then it's their's to keep. So I'm the first one to steal it.

I come back from the bathroom after my 8th drink, and announce loudly to the group, "Hey, Hey, Hey, seriously, I just want to let you know that none of you bastards better steal that spongebob game from me. My son is a fucking spongebob freak. He's a cute little boy with cancer and he would KILL FOR THAT SHIT!!"
There were a few laughs and go sit down.

The gift exchange continues and my gift is the LAST FUCKING ONE ON THE TABLE. So you know the suspense when it comes to the last gift. I decide this is a good time to go to the bathroom again, so I wouldn't have to see the look on the poor fucker's face when he gets shafted by my gift. Turns out that my immediate superior got it. He had no fucking clue about the movie and was less than enthused. I leaned over and told him, "Merry Christmas" I don't think that helped.

So to end shit shorter than it could be, turns out that a shitload of people thought I was serious when I said that my son had cancer. One dude asked my friend and fellow technicican, "Does his son really have cancer?"

"No," DD replied.

" Then why would anyone say something like that? Wishing cancer upon their child?" he responded.

So I'm sure when I go back to work on monday, I'm gonna have a crap-basket full of sympathy cards and shit. That's gonna be a fucking blast. Tune in...