Thanksgiving

Keep your comments to yourself, but I need to learn to shut the fuck up sometimes. So does my son.


Thanksgiving, I rolled up to my folks house in Oregon, to spend some quality family time and all that. I took my son with me, which was a blast. But anyway, my parents had a whole lot of older people from their church over for dinner. The ones who didn't have any family in town, or were just plain annoying.

So after dinner my son goes on the tooth-brushing rampage. He's a freak for dental hygiene, which is a good thing. But if you brush your teeth too much, it can cause gum damage. (both my sisters are dental hygienists) So we have a rule that he brushes only after bath time. So now he wants to take a bath. I tell him that he can't until everybody goes home.

Well, he takes that advice, and promptly runs out to the living room. He goes up to Phyllis, this 87 year old lady in a wheelchair, and screams "GO HOME!!" I'm just hoping nobody heard him when he repeats himself....10 times. So now I'm pegged as having the devil child. Though, yelling at old people has always been a subject of humor for me.

Later on, they were all talking about the Passion of the Christ. Some where discussing why they chose to not watch the film. I pipe in with this gem:

"Well, you should watch it. After seeing what Jesus went through, it makes bouncing a check or losing your job not seem so bad."

-SILENCE-

I killed the conversation. It took them a full 5 minutes of uncomfortable silence to find another topic to discuss. I thought it was a logical point, but alas, they did not.


I'll post about "Black Friday" tomorrow. Getting up at 3:30am to go shopping can have interesting side effects.

Good Lord

There's going to be a whammy of a thanksgiving post coming up. Stay tuned for tomorrow late nite...

We don't exist!!!

Remeber when you could call a company and talk to a real person? Yeah, well those days are fucked. And if you do, by some miracle, get connected to a person before you pass out from hunger & dehydration for waiting to long, they can't speak the fucking language. Everytime.

I tried to call AT&T/Cingular to pay my bill. I went online first, of course, but my number was not recognized. Probably due to my cancelling service, because their customer support is equivalent to a sweat shop in Poland. (they do exist)

So I call them and get some cute fucking automated voice that can understand my speech. Or so I thought. The fucking machine kept running me around in circles for ever. It couldn't match my social security number to the fucking account number or some shit. Then the bitch would tell me that she'd connect me to a real person, only to be fucking re-routed through the same shit again.

Why is it when they want money, they can sure as fuck get ahold of you, but when you wanna pay, they make it a fucking adventure? Baby I got yo' money. But now I"m finna spend it on crack instead.

It finally took me YELLING, literally, "You stupid fucking machine, let me talk to a real fucking person right fucking NOW." Over 10 times, before the machine realized my superior debating skills, and gave up. But it got its revenge, as I was put into a call queue for over 30 minutes.

I gave up after 10. Fuck AT&T, and fuck machines.

Animal Cruelty

Read this article. I want to hear your experiences with animal cruelty. Did you ever throw your cat off your obscenely high roof to see if it would really land on its feet? How long can your brother's new puppy hold it's breath?

Or perhaps you pulled the kitten with a bottle rocket taped to its tail. Tell me.

I feel that assaulting the rooster from hell was not enough for me. Not so bad, in other words. This mean cock would assault me everytime I went to gather the eggs. It got to the point where I'd have to carry a baseball bat with me. Of course, after I mustered my courage, I began to fuck with it on purpose, hoping to get a whack at that shit. Well, over the course of the next couple of weeks, word of my cock spread around and the neighborhood kids starting coming to see it. To play with it, so to speak. Many ran home crying with cuts and blood on their jeans.

All because of my cock. Well, I was away one evening and my father went out to get the eggs. He noticed the terrible beast and its behavior. He promptly went to get his rifle. He shot it three times, point blank. It went limp.

An hour later, when I arrived home for dinner, he told me what he did. I then asked why the rooster was walking around the pasture. He said that was impossible. But my friends, he was. This only made my dad more upset, so he gathered the axe. Off with his head, but the fucker still ran around for nearly an hour before giving up his life without his weapon of choice.

That's a tough cock to beat.

So, what're your stories?

The Tides Have Turned

Now men can be the whores we were meant to be. (and trying to sleep with)


We can tell those women that mysteriously show up nine months after a drunken hook-up involving fresh linens anda few barnyard animals, "I'm sorry, Miss, I was on the Shot."

Imagine the look on her face as she would (no-doubt) turn her head in shame, while stammering incoherant sentances.

Why the hell can't scientists, who can put a damn man on the moon, come up with a shot that renders us humans immune to STD's? Let's face it, condoms blow goats. They may help your 2-pump chump, but they're hardly intimate & personal. It's like saying, "I'm going to stick my bishop in your funbox, but I don't trust you (read: love you) enough to accept the consequences of my most likely drunken choice."

Real fucking romantic there.

With the shot, you could pretend you trust (read: love) the person you're with for the moment. Never under-estimate the power of ignorance.

After all, ignorance is bliss, and so is knowing you won't have to show the doctor your puss-filled love momento.

Fools




Alright Mr. Carl fucking Jr. I will not starve without you. You are an ass.

Who the fuck can't crack a fucking egg? Seriously. I've never seen a man wandering in the meat aisle, unsure what to buy. That's pretty damn gay. You take the meat, season it up with whatever you have and throw it on the damn BBQ. It's that damn easy. Get some 5 minute noodles and you're set.

Do you advertising exec's think you're cute? For god's sake. If a man can't crack open a fucking egg, he deserves to die. I'm sure you CEO's who can't fucking wash their own clothes can identify with that shit. But it's fucking stupid. Without you, guy's would lose weight, you fucking butt pirates.

You know what else shit's the bed? The six dollar burger. For $3.95. Hmm, a deal right? Well, when you pay the six bucks at a restaraunt, you get fries and a drink. So, a large order of fries and a large drink at Carl's will set you back 3 bucks, minimum. Suddenly $6.95 isn't such a hot fucking deal. Not to mention; when you go to a sit-down joint, they actually cook that fucking patty of beef, dress it up with fresh veggies, and make it TASTE good. I'd rather wait another 5 minutes knowing that my food is coming to me fresh, unique, and most likely cooked without the minimum wage rage that most fast-food workers posess.

So fuck you Carl's Jr. Fuck you and the fun boys you roll with. I'll crack my own fucking eggs.

San Francisco

Well, I had a blast. Rolled over to Amoeba for my first time and bought some shit with Serg. That store is fucking boss. I had to restrain myself, and still spent nearly a hundred bucks.


While the wife's away, the boy's will play. And pay. Before we went out, I downed all but a few shots of a 1/5 of Wet, this tasty new gin by BeefEater. Simply delicious. We then went out for chinese food, and that's when I noticed that it was getting hard to act sober. The food was very good, but I have no idea what I ordered. It was red chicken. Pretty sure it was Mother's Chicken, but I can't be sure.

We hop in a cab and head for Milk, this pretty cool DJ Bar/Lounge where Stef was set to spin. I immediately go and meet the bartender, and ask him what his strongest drink is, and how much it's gonna set me back. It was a Hurricane, or Slurricane, for just under 10 bones. No biggie, so I order it. I'm drinking it as people start to flow in. Stef's getting warmed up in the rear of the club, getting ready to tear shit up.

From that point on, the night's a blur. I remember sitting on the stage listening to Stef spin, and it was HOT. The temperature, as well as her skills on the 1's & 2's, that is. So I ditch my hoodie, and represent my sleeveless John Deere shirt. I'm all fucking class.

The whiskey 'n' cokes to follow the slurricane become too much, and I decide that I must go outside for some air and a smoke. I guess sitting down was too comfy, because I awoke surrounded by cops talking to the doormen. I look around for Serg and Stef, and they're nowhere to be found. They wouldn't let me back in, for some reason, and the cop wouldn't listen to my drunken rantings and ravings about being lost in this fucked up hippy city. (I love SF, by the way) Come to think of it, I'm surprised they didn't cuff me for public intoxication. I was WELL over the fucking limit.

So being the Magellan that I am, I figure I can walk back to their apartment. So here I am, drunk off my ass, in freezing weather wearing a sleevless shirt, bald head, stomping through the sloped streets of SF, fists clenched, cursing my idiocy for not bringing the hoodie outside. I was fucking power-walking, not even paying attention to shit, when I realize that I'm fucking LOST. No damn clue where I am, and only a vauge idea of where I'm going. You could cut glass with my nipples.

Out of nowhere, I realize that this is a big city. Big cities have cabs. Sweet. Well, I must have looked like a serial killer, because it took like 6 cabs for one to stop and pick me up. Serg finally answered my call when they got home, but by then, I was in a cab heading to their casa. By phone records, I think I got to their apartment around 2:30. I made a drink, probably only had a sip, and tried to crawl into a sleeping bag. People, that's harder than it sounds. I was out in minutes.

By the way, they turned me onto this show on BBC America, "Trailer Park Boys". I had caught a few glimpses of it while turning channels before, but DAMN. That is some funny fucking shit right there. Get it.

Fucking Brilliant

My God...

It is done

I have registered the domain for liquidpersonality.com. I now need hosting suggestions, and tech help to get this piece of shit transferred there. When it's done, it will be ONE BILLION times better. Mostly 'cuz I can post pictures, which would be rad.

Top 10 Movie Badasses of All Time

For no reason what-so-ever, here are the top 10 movie badasses of All Time. The list is complete, and correct, so no bitching, bitches:


10.)Martin Briggs - "Lethal Weapon" Series
He's crazy, complete with mullet, and he can dislocate his shoulder at will. Plus, he has to put up with Danny Glover's constant bitching.

9.)Walter Sobchak - "The Big Lebowski"
'Mark it zero Smokey! Mark it zero!!!'

8.)Mr. Blonde/Vic Vega - "Resevoir Dogs"
'Are you gonna bark all day little doggie, or are you gonna bite?' I mean, the dude was gonna light a cop on fire. Cool. AFTER CUTTING HIS EAR OFF. Total badass.

7.)John McClane - "Die Hard" Trilogy
'Yippie kay-yay mother fucker'
So many people have used and abused that cute little saying. Ok, short tally here:
Running barefoot through a room of broken glass? Check.
Walking through Harlem with an, 'I hate niggers' sign? Check.
Putting up with Airport Security? Check and Check.
Plus, he had to put up with Samuel L. Jackson's constant bitching.

6.)John Shaft - "Shaft" (1971)
C'mon, it's in the song people. 'He's one bad motha...Shut yo mouth!'

5.)Sean Connery - "James Bond" Series
People, Sean Connery IS the only Bond. Get the fuck over it.

4.)Conan - "Conan, the Barbarian"
Sorry, but I only chose this movie, because he's a FUCKING BARBARIAN. A well placed M-80 can be a 'destroyer', but never a barbarian. Not to mention he could actually pick up that Buick sized sword.

3.)Bruce Lee - "Um, all his movies"
Hate if you want, but the dude revolutionized the popularity of martial arts films as we know them today. Well, and he died kicking ass. Even if it was 'Hollywood' ass.

2.)Jules Winnfield - "Pulp Fiction"
Cant have a list without Sammy on it. And what a fucking movie this was. Quoting scripture a very not-nice tone before planning to kill someone is badass. Bitching about brains gettin' in your afro is badass. Having another brother on the list is badass.

1.)Dirty Harry - "All 5 baby"
This series has been quoted, punned, played, tricked, mocked, mimmiced and idolized to death. But when you sit your pasty ass down and watch Clint spit those famous lines, you feel like maybe tonight you don't have to wet the bed after all. Maybe you can leave that closet door open. But in all honestly, Clint should have stopped the career there. Everything after "The Dead Pool" is waste.