Why the fuck don't they put some shopping carts towards the rear of the grocery store? Or at least setup some fucking carry carts or something. I go in the grocery store to buy some tampons for the little lady, and I end up walking out looking like a human jenga puzzle, with shit stacked all across my torso, carefully balanced, while avoiding glares from people noticing the huge box of tampons.

These posts are short because my computer is shit. I'll buy a new one in a week or so. Until then, check this shit out. That fool got off lucky. Good thing he's not the crack-head that stole my shit.

Mouth Fart

Sometimes I can't help wandering what society would be like if we farted out of our mouths. I'm sure that people with halitosis would consider it a blessing, considering everybody would have shit-mouth. Imagine some actress whipping out a fart-bag during an important award ceremony. I think that would humble a lot of assholes, for sure. No pun intended.


Oh, I gotta go. My wife is bent over picking up toys, and for some reason it's the sexiest thing I've seen in forever.

Gotta get me some.

Joe's Crab Shack

So tonight I went out to dinner with a friend that I work with, his wife, my wife, and another couple to some over-publicized place called Joe's Crab Shack for dinner and drinks. Basically, it was o.k.. Except for the fact the place was crawling with tourists and pretentious assholes. Oh, and the hour long wait to be seated. And the staff dancing every 15 minutes to some sorry-ass has been song like the Macarena.

On a good note, the wife was seated at the bar, and was carded for drinks. Though she is not of legal age, the bartender was hip, and let her drink anyway. Too bad they charge ten bucks for a fucking mai tai. 5.50 for a damn beer. Our tab for dinner minus drinks was over $50 bucks. My ass still hurts.

The only thing that was funny was watching my 35 year old friend get up and put on a grass skirt holding two plastic crabs while we sang happy birthday. He was required to say, "I'm (name-removed), it's my birthday, and I have crabs" at every pause during the song. That was pretty cute.

Strippers are funny.

Random Thoughts

-Did you ever have that kid in elementary school that was crazy? Not retarded; at least in the 'needs special attention' sense, but just plain crazier-than-a-shithouse-rat kinda crazy. You know, the kid that always smelled like syrup and moldy socks. Our resident psycho was a redhead, with not-so-complimentary freckles. He actually socked the hottest teacher we had in the mouth, and held the bus hostage for the better part of two hours. And he was back at school three days later.

This was well before columbine, kids. Kids could bring guns to school, and get a verbal warning because there was no lock on the trigger. There were kung-fu fights everyday after school, where some fucking button-pusher would try Scorpian's finishing move wearing plain shoes on wet grass, and wind up with nothing more than a phone call home, and grass stains on his tushy.

-I have a bad habit of saying, "Your Mom" to any question that I'm asked. I can't graduate High School in my mind or some shit. So tonight, my 3 year old comes up to me while I'm cooking. I'm always kinda zoning whilst I cook, and rarely pay attention.

"Whatcha doooooIN?" he asked.
"Your mom," I replied.

It's so hard to stop laughing when you know someone truly doesn't get what you just said, yet wants to laugh with you, in order to be part of the funny. Especially when it's your son.

Family Matters.

it's raining men

The treasure is found. I got my car back. Shit yeah. Fuckers took 1/2 my tools, but left the CD player, along with a shitload of their personal CD's. I have a lot of shitty music now. I've never seen such a diverse collection. Obviously, they belonged to other people who's car these fucks stole.
Here's some of them (incomplete):

CD'S for free:

Metallica - And justice for all

EverClear - So much for the afterglow

Led Zepplin - Unknown w/ black dog

Mary J. Blige - The Tour

311 - Self Titled

Sammy Hagar - Unboxed

Bush - Sixteen Stone

Mariah Carey - Greatest Hits (disc one)

Creed - Human Clay

Fleetwood Mac - Greatest Hits (duplicate)

Switchfoot - The Beautiful Letdown (burnt)

Eric Clapton - Timepieces Vol. II (burnt)

Santana - Shaman (burnt)

Fleetwood Mac - The Dance

Totally HIts 2001

The Allman Brothers Band and Wet Willie

Lauren Hill - The Miseducation of...

Peter Frampton - Frampton comes alive

Mix Cd's - VIII

Now That's What I call Music Vol. 9

Nine Inch Nails - The downward spiral (burnt)

The Who - The Ultimate Collection Vol. I (burnt)

Rolling Stones - Let it Bleed (burnt)

Suicidal Tendancies - FreeDumb (burnt)

Oyster Head - The Grand Pedring Order (burnt)

Phish - No title (burnt)

Phis - Dogs stole things (burnt)

Peter Frampton - No Title (burnt)

Switchfoot - No Title (burnt)

Meat Loaf - Bat out of Hell II (back into hell)

Fleetwood Mac - Say you will (burnt)

Dishwalla - Opalint (burnt)

U2 - All that you can't leave behind (burnt)

Ben Harper - Fight for you Mind

Prince - 1999 (single, b/w How come u don't call me anymore & D.M.S.R)

The Best of Van Morrison (burnt)

Scarface - My homies

Shania Twain - Come on Over

2 pac - Until the end of Time (disc 1, burnt)

Metallica - St. Anger

8 Mile Soundtrack

Metallica - Master of Puppets (burnt)

Creed - Weathered

2 Pac - R U still down, disc 1

2 Pac - Greatest Hits, disc 1

R Kelly - Greatest Hits, disc 1 (?)

R Kelly - Greatest Hits, disc 2

AudioSlave - Self Titled

Southwest Riders, disc 2

Westside Connection - Terrorist Threats

Some hip hop CD that I couldn't find a title to

Hervi's Odd Couple - Thug Mania (the CD is so fucking funny looking)

Twista - Mobstability (burnt)

Notorious BIG - Ready to Die

Goodie Mob - World Party
But you know what? The cops just threw a bunch of shit into the car that was in their house, and drove it here. They told me to keep what I wanted if the shit was theirs, and throw the rest away. So I'm out some tools, but got a Stanley Wrench/Socket set and a bunch of car-stealing tools. I guess it's win-win. Except for the fact you can start my car with a screwdriver, and the shit smells like Rod Stewart after the weekend. It's fucking Christmas.

I need money. Hook it up.

Holy shit, I was watching this VH1 channel the other day. It's like VH1-345 or some shit. Anyways, I was in a daze, and this fucking video came on. If you haven't seen it, do it. DO IT. Mah god, I was horrified. It looks like some cable access shit full of ugly men and fat bitches. I couldn't stop laughing.


I can do that shit.

Thanks Asshole

Thank you so much for jacking my fucking car. It was a relative piece of shit, you fucking turd. As if this state doesn't suck enough ass, now I have no car. Also, thanks for stealing my tools that were in it. The only thing in my tool bag you're qualified to use was the fucking screwdriver. But even that probably confuses you since it's 10-in-1. You suck so much of my ass. But guess what? Come and try that shit again. Go ahead. I won't even lock the fucker. You know why? 'Cuz you're on candid camera, monkey balls. That's right. A fucking $700 dollar camera and vcr can fucking show every god damn pimple on your stupid faggot-face. Better hope I don't catch you driving my shit down the interstate. I pack heat, shit-stain.


Anyways, now that I have that out of my system, I think I have a problem. I ordered cable with all the possible channels. But every damn night, there's a Steven Segal movie on. AND I CAN'T STOP WATCHING THEM. Why am I so obsessed with a soft-hand slap-happy pot-belly that runs like a fucking girl? This shit has got to stop.

Tomorrow I get to meet the CPA for a bunch of NBA atheletes, and wire his guest house. Which is roughly the size of Rhode Island. What a way to start a fucking job. If I fuck up once, he'll cancel any pending jobs with whiny rich atheletes. Woo-fucking-hoo.

I decided not to continue the Bachelor Party story, since it's probably only funny to parties involved. But FF did end up M.I.A. by the end of the night. Who knows where he is now.

Enjoy.

The Bachelor Party

Well, here we go. Let's start by stating that the names of parties involved have been changed to protect the innocent. This is who showed up: Deadbeat (DB), HotRod (HR), MeanDrunk (MD), GothBoy (GB), FastFood (FF), and Eric Baker, who currently resides in Bend, Oregon. (contact me for more information)

Well, me, DB and Eric packed all of my useless shit into a fucking huge 24ft moving truck, and rolled down to Sac-Town. The trip was rather uneventful, except for the fucking weigh station. Out of all the trucks that move down the I-5 corridor, they thought that my fucking truck looked like it needed inspecting. Thankfully, they didn't look inside the cargo-hold, since I usually travel with 50 kilos or more of heroin. Instead, they wasted a half-hour of my time checking the brakes and all that shit on the moving truck. It was a little creepy being in such close proximity to a Cop, and having nothing to fear. I'm so used to being a fucking suspect, hoping they don't have any deep-ridden desires to finger my butt.

Let's just skip forward to Reno, NV, where the night truly began. (I'll skip the part about Eric Baker, of Bend, Oregon being a bitch about unloading the truck) We arrive in Reno at a time which I cannot remember. I do recall DB being so fucking adament about purchasing new shoes. After a 30 minute detour on our set course, we finally found a PayLess. Well, DB cannot find a pair of shoes to fit his fucking snow-shoes-for-feet that he likes. He finally settles on a pair of black clogs that are "too square" for his feet. Listen, if you can ski downhill on a mountain without a set of K2's, then you're probably not going to find a shoe on a whim that fits your desire. But I got a pair of shoes for hella cheap, cuz I'm a normal man.

So we roll over to Circus Circus (cuz saying it one time isn't enough; fucking Pizza, Pizza). The room was waaay more than we were originally quoted, so we bounce. Who wants to stay at the fucking county fair on their bachelor party anyway? Fucking clowns.

We procure our room at the Silver Legacy, 30 bucks cheaper, and a hella nice room. Finally, HR shows up, and we hit a buffet, to lessen our drunken pains to follow. Only, we missed the fucking BILLBOARD saying that this was s0me special "International Night", which jacked the price up significantly. Eric Baker, of Bend, Oregon, was a little strapped for cash, but he manned up, and paid the fare.

After bitching constantly that I needed to get drunk (which entails much more than the watered-down free cocktails) the night becomes a blur. Though I remember the entire night, I'd rather just give you fools some highlights:


-DB was asked, while pissing, if "I can see it" (referring to his penis, I assume)

-Eric got broker, so I gimped him along, on my feeble winnings (fucker made bank when I passed out)

-My nipples were literally rubbed raw by the damn shirt I bought. I had to find a fucking mini-market that sold band-aids (which is remarkably hard) to cure the problem. Then some whore was yabbering on about how she'd never heard a male talk about his nipples as much as I do. Bitch, at least my dick is worth more than your nightly charge, which we all heard, by the way.

-I recall screaming the Jack Black yell in, "Saving Silverman" (comin' at ya yiiiiiiii-haaaaaah) at least 20 times.

Then came the obligatory strip club visit. On the way there, I appearantly pissed out the Sacramento River on some poor business (that part was omitted from my memory) . Anyways, the night started to get pretty foggy. GB and all my men purchased a 'special dance' for me. It entailed me crawling my fat, drunk-as-shit ass onto the runway for a treat. They brought out a chair, and had me sit in it, making sure that my hands were behind my back. (as opposed to on their tits, I imagine) Brothers, Fantasy Girls is not for kids. Two girls came on stage and fucked my brains out. I don't mean that I had intercourse with them, but they humped the shit out of my skull. I was in pain nearly the entire dance. They kept doing trapese shit and banging my head into the dance pole behind my head. Fucking masochists.


To be continued....

Hello Again....Hello

Well, forget the hyperlinks, kids.


I have so much material, it's burning in my mind. I hardly know where to begin. Let's just start from fresh, after the beginning. Today, I found myself wandering through Roseville, looking for a particular store. On our route, I came across a most disturbing image.

Imagine riding with your family (or future family, you single losers) and coming across a store. Not like any other, but unlike anything you've ever seen. An 80 year old woman was hunched over the sidewalk. Nothing too crazy there. But what was on the pavement was definitely a surprise.














Vomit. (eat the spaces serg) That's right. The second day that I spend in this stupid state floods me with images of senior citizens vomiting outside of Mervyns (I thought they went out of business).

People, there are tales to tell. A tattoo artist with a lisp, drunken screams of 'comin' at ya yeeeeee-haaaaaahhhh', homosexuals asking to see it, retarded in-laws, and much, much more. Thanks for keeping in touch, fools.




Now go here, and do something worthwhile with your life. Dig? Bad movie, my ass.





Peace and deer meat grease....