Changes

So as I read through all of my previous posts, I can't believe what a vulgar little turd I was (am). I didn't think it was possible to change this much in only a few short years. Four? Well, shit, I guess it has been four years. I mean, my daughter just turned three and my son is a wicked seven.

When did I wake up to find out I was actually a father/husband/provider? I can't be sure, but all I know is that the changes have been for the better. Don't get me wrong, not every change is good. But I can at least say that the graph is steadily pointing north east. (yay for geometry!)

You know, working in retail has its advantages and disadvantages.
Advantage: Can offer a truly diverse working environment

Disadvantage: Can offer a truly diverse working environment

See, I have to deal with some of the wealthiest people on the planet. Turns out, most of them are wealthy for a reason...they're assholes. Now there are the occasional nice people, but for the most part, they all spank the shit-monkey. Demanding, demeaning, and disturbed. For some reason, they think they have the right to talk down to me on nearly every point. I'm an expert. There's a reason I get paid to do what I do. You come to ME for help. Don't sit there and try to tell me I'm wrong. That's why you pay our company almost a hundred clams an hour for our service. I don't care what the dipshits at BestBuy have to say. They're wrong. They get a little ten minute training session and assume that they know everything there is to know about Custom Electronics. You don't guys, so shut the fuck up and leave the 'insider information' to those of us on the inside.

Roar.

Here's your YouTube video. Search word was "wicked" :

Holy Hiatus!

To be quite honest with you (the non-existent, used to follow my blog readers), I completely forgot that this thing existed. Needless to say, when I remembered, I was even more surprised that it was still active and that I was able to log back into it. I mean, holy cow! What are the odds of that?


So much has changed, that I simply cannot do an "update" post. Instead, as my destroyed hippocampus chooses, I shall sprinkle tid-bits of new information throughout this salty blog. Let's just say I've grown up in many, many ways. But I'm still the same
vagina punching bastard I've always been.

Oh, this blog is going to blow the fuck up. I have incredible guest writers going to come on, and hey, YOU TUBE has been invented since I last wrote. This is going to be awesome!


I'm starting a new daily feature where I post the first video that comes up on YouTube when I search for a topic. *Ahem* I give you..."awesome"

Quitting drinking fucking sucks

Yes, it does. It sucks beyond any Dyson on the god damn planet. Yeah, no shit. A vaccuum should suck with no loss of suction. Only problem is, your stupid yellow abortion functions as well as a game of Twister at a retirement home. Get a new fucking accent, queer.

Xbox 360 is out now. Don't see what all the hooplah is about. Slightly better graphics, if you have the display to support them, and more online game play. You know what? If you insist on playing video games, at least have enough self-respect to have friends to play with, together, in the same room. Link that shit together. Chan Wun from Nagano doesn't care about you. You won't get together this weekend and go on a double date. Stop wasting your time. Follow this little advice and you might find that hunt for the mystical "vagina" will go a little better.

Hey!!!!

I quit drinking. Yep. I did. The point of this blog will change quite a bit. And no, I haven't become a liquor hater or anything, but from a sober stand-point, I'm sure all of my previous stories will include more clarity. Stay tuned, and stay gay, Waldo-faggots.

Craptastic...

Well, without the wonders of bloggerbot working for pictures, I must paint something nice for you. I have recentley moved to a very nice neighborhood. One that is very much out of my price range. But thank god for creative financing.

Anyway, as I came home from work the other day, I noticed that there was some kind of care package on my porch. As I opened it, it appeared that junk e-mail has infiltrated the suburbs without the use of the internet. See, by receiving this gift, I was instructed by the letter to make 2 (two, idiots) copies of this little gift bag, to give to other neighbors, all the while displaying a cute little "Boo!" sign in my window, thus displaying the fact that I have received the treats.

So I found myself in a dilemma. If I chose to receive the gift, and not follow the rules, chances are that the queen bitch in the neighborhood would find me out, and make my life hell. If I did, I waste money that I could spend on booze on stupid gift bags/shit. I get no credit this way.

Make no mistake. I do not give gifts for the so-called-"joy of giving". I do it to receive thank you's, or gifts in return. Selfish? C'mon, let's just call it what it is. HONEST.


Fudge a gift, and fuck 'Booing' other neighbors. (that's the petname for chainmailing other people in the community.)



Fucking somebody get me another pic server besides bloggerbot, cuz the crap ain't working. Or better yet, e-mail me, or whatever, and tell me what the fuck happened to my shit. Happy fucking holidays or whatever...

If I could be any "Super Hero"...

Wow, this question can have ITT dorm dwellers going on for days. But the answer is quite simple. No, it's not Superman; for reasons Mallrats clearly explains. Now, of course, it's all a matter of personal preference. Some like the hugely strong or fast dudes, or combinations within.

Really, it's Blade. Get the Wesley Snipes idea out of your mind. Not that he doesn't do the role justice, but c'mon; I'm white. I can't pretend to be Wes in my dreams if I still feel uncomfortable driving through Venice on my way to Manhatten Beach.

Ok, let's get down to the details. However, let's not get shit twisted. I'm not a comic book freak. I don't know every super zero that exists on paper. I'm simply making my suggestion based on the fact that a day-walking vampire is the coolest motherfucker ever to exist.

Checklist:
stupid fast
immortal
fucking daywalker
libido like a child molestor (minus the children)
party with kris kristofferson
bullets fly by you
silver only hurts a little
silly crazy weapons
um, fucking ninja sword?
white teeth
big dick (so i hear)
sweet ass car
and many, many more


Ok, so the only bad thing is having to take some stupid ass serum to keep you from sucking blood from a mortal, big whoop. I'd forgoe the serum, since real blood makes me stronger, and just suck on drunkards, so I could get a buzz going on too.

Another checklist:

Superman: gay, and too strong
Hulk: not a hero, just gay, and too strong
Flash: horrible in bed
Punisher, Batman: only human
Fantastic Four: Flaming Faggots
X-men: wolverine gets a pass, the rest like the ass
Spiderman: Photographers are usually gay
Green Lantern: Black and gay

Dave Mathews Band

Went and saw 'em last night. The sound quality was great. Best sounding show I've ever been to. Not to mention that Dave & Co. played real well. However, I could have just stayed at home and watched their Central Park concert on DVD. But I've been wanting to see them live at least once.


Got plenty drunk & ripped up, and laid out on the lawn for a bit, people watching and enjoying the music. By the time we left, I quickly realized that I was in no condition to drive. Adam and I decided it would be cool to just chill in the parking lot while the masses fought for position out of the lot. We ended up decided to yell out the windows like scalpers that we had backstage passes to go meet Dave. Of course we were out of minds fucked up, so I'm sure we weren't real convincing, but I haven't laughed that hard at all the people driving by asking questions about these tickets we supposedly had.

Finally a fat girl came up and asked what we were yelling about, and inquired about the tickets. We told her she was fat and that Dave was easily frightened in the presence of big game. We laughed harder as she stormed off.

Yup, I have a penis

It's official, I do have a penis. I thought it was important to share this with you all. See, all my life I thought I had a third arm between my legs. It wasn't abnormal for me to use this appendage to pick up dropped change, or small children.

However, when I got my first erection, I noticed that my pants would constrict the raising of my arm/penis, and I would inadvertantly lift one leg with the erection, thus causing me to lose my balance, and lay on my back with one slightly thicker leg up in the air. This was most embarassing, being like a turtle.

I went to the Dr., and the Dr. said, "Boy it'd take a whale just to give you head." (I spit hot fire)

He told me I'd never be normal like this. After a few hundred pictures he and some biker/nurse took of me, recommended I have an operation to make me more of the "norm".

And I do feel much better now. I feel like I fit in. But sometimes it's so damn hard to type on this little keyboard using these new metal shoes nailed on to my hands and feet.













This post is in rememberance of the brave soul who lost his life trying to get his freak on with a damn horse in Washington.